Why, yes, I AM mom enough...

The recent Time cover article entitled "Are You Mom Enough?" is getting a lot of buzz... partially because there's a child, who looks like he may be off to college any day, pictured breastfeeding on the cover and partially because the article details the tenets of "Attachment Parenting" which is controversial and guilt-inducing for many parents.  I have seen TV specials and read other articles as well as seen some TV interviews with celebrities as well as with Dr. Sears ("the guy" as far as this stuff goes) about this style of parenting over the years so the ideas explained in Time didn't shock me.  I knew there was a group of people out there who really believed firmly in these parenting principles.  If you don't know what Attachment Parenting is it has to do with spending your entire life attached to your child.  You "wear" the baby (in a sling or backpack, etc.), sleep with the baby, breastfeed the baby until... well... seemingly indefinitely....and pretty much never, ever spend any time apart from your child.  As I mentioned, the "guru" of this whole thing is an old man named Dr. Sears who seems nice enough but who, honestly, kind of makes me angry with his theories which seem to say that parenthood should be all-encompassing and that it is selfish to think otherwise. (For instance: Never let a baby cry... ever.  They are ALWAYS crying for a reason.  You should always go to them immediately.)

People all over the place are discussing this article, this cover and what the title implies about parents (particularly moms, obviously) who don't practice this style of parenting.  The implication is pretty clear to me: ARE YOU MOM ENOUGH TO DEVOTE EVERY MILLISECOND OF YOUR LIFE TO YOUR BABY?  If not... well... be ready for the consequences...  As a stay at home mom I find the "attachment parenting" style completely unrealistic and, frankly, kind of horrible which, of course, makes me feel guilty.  I can't imagine what it makes working moms feel like (I am envisioning absolute nervous breakdowns).  So, in response to the idea that I am expected to do nothing but live, breathe and eat my kids (you know what I mean), I am a mom enough to admit the following things....

I am mom enough to admit that Liam has never spent one night in our bed with us.  This was obviously initially partly due to the SIDS risk and the pediatricians' firm warnings.  Now it is because it is OUR BED and OUR ROOM and the one place in this whole house which does not have ANY of his belongings in it and we like it that way.  At 8:00 at night Liam goes to bed in his room and we get to interact as two grown-ups.  I don't want him in our bed.  Derek will be sleeping all by himself as well. Thankyouverymuch.

I am mom enough to say that Liam only got about 3 weeks worth of breast milk.  He didn't latch on... ever... not once... so I pumped constantly at all hours of the night and day trying to store up a supply for him and I was never, ever able to really produce enough breastmilk so, at about a month old, he went to straight formula.  It was an intense source of guilt at the time but he seems to be doing OK at 14 months old.  He is very bonded to myself and his father and is healthy as an ox.  I think breastfeeding is great but, jeez people, you make a woman feel like a total failure if it just doesn't work out.  Oh, and just for the record, had he latched right on I am pretty sure he would have only breastfed for a year at the absolute most.  I don't care what you say, I am not breastfeeding a 3 year old.  I will try again with Derek but, ultimately, will not give myself heart problems over the whole thing.

I am mom enough to admit that Liam is playing independently on the floor as I type this.  He is not strapped to my back peering over my shoulder at the computer like a little pet monkey.  He is entertaining himself. 

I am mom enough to admit that I love doing stuff without Liam.. like grocery shopping, going out to eat, going to the doctor's office... and the list goes on.  I don't want him with me every second of every single day.  I like him an awful lot and we are buddies but, every now and then, some alone time is pretty great.  In fact, I wish I had more of it.  You want to come babysit my kid?

I am mom enough to admit that, at this point in my pregnancy with Derek, my back hurts so much and so often that I actively  try NOT to carry Liam whenever possible. I think I would rather sit on a bed of nails than carry him in a carrier all day. 

I am mom enought to admit that Liam was sleep trained by "crying it out" and Derek will be too.  I am not going to pretend to like hearing a baby cry from his crib but I DO like that my son goes to bed by himself at the same time every night.

I am mom enough to admit that I worry constantly that I am doing the wrong thing and that my sons will pay for it in the end so I don't need some old gray-haired pediatrician (however well-meaning he may be) pushing guilt-inducing and, in my opinion, unrealistic ideas about parenting and motherhood down my throat. 

I am mom enough to say that I will love my children to the end of the world and back and that they will always be incredibly important to their father and I but they cannot and will not be the only thing I think about, my ONLY priority and my ONLY reason for existence... and I will not be holding them and cuddling them every second of their childhood.  I am willing to run the risk that this will turn them into serial killers.

As a mom, I am enough... I am doing enough, trying enough, working hard enough and putting in enough hours.  I am doing the absolutely best that I can and, if it doesn't seem like enough based on some ideal outlined in a magazine then oh freaking well.  And I mean that. 

If you're a mom out there worrying about the  things that this article says please give yourself a late Mother's Day present and forget you ever read it or heard about it and continue to do your best.  

Top 8 Things I am Looking Forward to POST-pregnancy

I have made no secret of my hatred of being pregnant.  I really, really am not one of those happy, cute pregnant girls.  I am cranky and achy and feel sorry for myself.  In that (negative, I know) spirit, here is a list of things I am DYING to do/eat/enjoy/drink/have once my precious boy is here.  Though it seems like complaining (and, is complaining, honestly), it is my way of looking for the light at the end of the tunnel which makes me feel more positive!

In no particular order:

1.  Sleep!!! Holy Moly!  I want to sleep.  I don't even care if I have to get up every 2 hours with the baby as long as I can sleep comfortably without an aching back and legs for the two hours I do sleep.

2.  Rare meat and raw fish!!!  Steak and sushi, please... and raw oysters... and ahi tuna... and... oh I could go on and on... Yummmm...

3.  Wine!  Man, I love wine.  I just love it and I miss it so.  I know this makes me sound like a bit of an alcoholic but I don't care.  I want to drink a huge glass of wine on my back deck with my husband!

4.  I can't wait to really be able to exercise again.  Even walking too much gives me a backache now and my legs ache and hurt just getting around Target.  I cannot wait to be able to really exercise... and, yes, get my body back!

5. Energy. I can't wait to shake this constant fatigue.  It would be so nice to be able to get through a day without feeling like I need a nap.  I know this may take a while... probably a few months until baby boy starts sleeping through the night... but I so look forward to the day that the boys sleep and I have the energy to DO something.

6.  I cannot wait to be able to reach my toes to paint them and shave my legs without looking like a bug turned over on its back. 

7.  Caffeine, please.  Don't get me wrong.  I drink a little caffeine now but I am a caffeine addict and want to drink copious amounts again!!!  : )

8.  I think the thing I am looking forward to the very most is having an itty bitty baby around again.  I never could have imagined how quickly Liam would stop wanting/needing to sleep in my arms or would become so stubborn and strong-willed.  He became a toddler too quickly.   I know Derek will too but at least I get to do the "baby" thing again for a little while.

Confessional # 6

Liam has grown from a  baby to a toddler and has become more strong willed and stubborn and smart... which also makes him exhausting, trying and A LOT OF FUN!  Here are some confessions about my TODDLER boy!

1.  Liam almost always has a scratch, bruise or bump somewhere on his body of which neither I nor Daniel can tell you the origin. Although it would seem as though we must leave him unattended all day, I promise we don't.  He is such a boy... wild and full of energy and he is constantly slamming himself into things or slamming things into himself.   Sometimes when he is playing in his playpen he reminds me of a caged ape... he just starts throwing toys and shrieking and rolling around and shaking the whole pen.  He is not mad.  He is having great fun.  It is absolutely hysterical.  I assume that many of his bruises come from these types of little "fits."

2.  He is a beggar.  He has become absolutely terrible about trying to take our food and drinks right out of our hands or reaching onto our plates to grab a piece of something.  He also comes up and stares when we are trying to eat.  He particularly begs for ice cream, Cheez-its and anything in a "big person cup" or soda can.  We usually give in and give him a little something.  I know it is a bad habit (and probably is teaching him TERRIBLE manners) but it is also pretty cute. 

3.  He has also started smacking people (sometimes when he is annoyed or not getting his way, but also just because he seems to think it is funny) and Daniel and I have not been able to figure out how to get him to stop.   Another bad habit... oh my...

4. He loves to hear stories... which is great... but he likes to hear the same 2 or 3 stories OVER and OVER (as stated above he is stubborn and when he doesn't care to hear a story because it is not one of his personal favorites he makes it well known) and sometimes I just can't read them AGAIN so we don't read. I know that it is probably not great that I cancel reading time in favor of watching cartoons or letting him tear apart his room but "No, David!", "Bubbles Bubbles" and "Mealtime Fun" are just getting OLD. : (

Such a little busy body...

Too cool for mama...

Scratch on his nose... who knows where it came from? Oh well...

I did not get the ice cream out for this little guy but he managed to weasel some out of me anyway. 

The N.C. Marriage Amendment... What This Means for My Sons

Let me begin by saying that I am not deeply spiritual and definitely not religious but I don't have even the slightest problem with organized religion.  Let's face it, life is tough and I am in favor of anything that brings people peace, creates unity and gives people a sense of purpose.  Christianity, as well as most of the world's religions, is based on principles that I can really get behind - love one another, treat others as you would like to be treated - good, solid stuff.  Who can argue against those ideals?  The problem arises, for me, when people start to warp their religion's basic tenants into something ugly, judgmental and unkind.  Much evil has been done in the name of someone's "God" (abortion clinic bombings, murderous rampages, 9/11, The Crusades, the horrible things that Warren Jeffs was doing in Texas... the list goes on).  It's easy to do terrible things in the name of your religion when you start deciding for yourself what God's intentions are and then believing that it is your job to carry out his will.  I really believe that discrimination against homosexuals is one of those evils being carried out in God's name.

The truth of the matter is that God has no place in politics.  One of the most basic tenants of our American government is the separation of church and state which means we have NO official religion and should never base our laws on religious doctrine.  One of the most basic tenants of Christianity is that humans, inherently flawed as they are, have no right to judge one another... that's God's job.  So, the way I see it, this amendment flies in the face of what America is supposed to stand for AND it flies in the face of what Christians are supposed to believe. 

Gay marriage is a civil rights issue.  Telling two gay people they can't marry is no different than the oppression of African Americans that is such a black mark on our country's history.  It doesn't matter what you believe about homosexuality or gay people.  As American citizens, they should be afforded the same rights as anyone else.  If you're Christian then it has to do with treating people as you would like to be treated.  How would you like it if someone told you that your relationship, as loving and committed as it may be, was not worthy of acknowledgment?  That it was perverse and wrong?  That it was a threat to children?  To imply that gay people (merely by existing and committing to one another) are a threat to children is possibly one of the most horrible insults I can imagine.  Whether it's explicitly stated the implication is that gay people are proverbial lepers (people, by the way, that Jesus hung out with quite a bit, as you may recall).

If this amendment gets passed, what does this mean for my sons?  Well, for one, it means that if they are gay they will NOT be treated as equal citizens.  But if they are straight it means that my sons will grow up in a place and time where our society still believes it is OK to systematically and overtly discriminate against entire groups of people.  I am very proud to be an American and would certainly never want to live anywhere else but I think Americans can do better than this. I really do.  I think this country is based on much better values and that most Americans are well-meaning and generally good.  So let's make this a better place for my kids (and yours).  Please.