The recent Time cover article entitled "Are You Mom Enough?" is getting a lot of buzz... partially because there's a child, who looks like he may be off to college any day, pictured breastfeeding on the cover and partially because the article details the tenets of "Attachment Parenting" which is controversial and guilt-inducing for many parents. I have seen TV specials and read other articles as well as seen some TV interviews with celebrities as well as with Dr. Sears ("the guy" as far as this stuff goes) about this style of parenting over the years so the ideas explained in Time didn't shock me. I knew there was a group of people out there who really believed firmly in these parenting principles. If you don't know what Attachment Parenting is it has to do with spending your entire life attached to your child. You "wear" the baby (in a sling or backpack, etc.), sleep with the baby, breastfeed the baby until... well... seemingly indefinitely....and pretty much never, ever spend any time apart from your child. As I mentioned, the "guru" of this whole thing is an old man named Dr. Sears who seems nice enough but who, honestly, kind of makes me angry with his theories which seem to say that parenthood should be all-encompassing and that it is selfish to think otherwise. (For instance: Never let a baby cry... ever. They are ALWAYS crying for a reason. You should always go to them immediately.)
People all over the place are discussing this article, this cover and what the title implies about parents (particularly moms, obviously) who don't practice this style of parenting. The implication is pretty clear to me: ARE YOU MOM ENOUGH TO DEVOTE EVERY MILLISECOND OF YOUR LIFE TO YOUR BABY? If not... well... be ready for the consequences... As a stay at home mom I find the "attachment parenting" style completely unrealistic and, frankly, kind of horrible which, of course, makes me feel guilty. I can't imagine what it makes working moms feel like (I am envisioning absolute nervous breakdowns). So, in response to the idea that I am expected to do nothing but live, breathe and eat my kids (you know what I mean), I am a mom enough to admit the following things....
I am mom enough to admit that Liam has never spent one night in our bed with us. This was obviously initially partly due to the SIDS risk and the pediatricians' firm warnings. Now it is because it is OUR BED and OUR ROOM and the one place in this whole house which does not have ANY of his belongings in it and we like it that way. At 8:00 at night Liam goes to bed in his room and we get to interact as two grown-ups. I don't want him in our bed. Derek will be sleeping all by himself as well. Thankyouverymuch.
I am mom enough to say that Liam only got about 3 weeks worth of breast milk. He didn't latch on... ever... not once... so I pumped constantly at all hours of the night and day trying to store up a supply for him and I was never, ever able to really produce enough breastmilk so, at about a month old, he went to straight formula. It was an intense source of guilt at the time but he seems to be doing OK at 14 months old. He is very bonded to myself and his father and is healthy as an ox. I think breastfeeding is great but, jeez people, you make a woman feel like a total failure if it just doesn't work out. Oh, and just for the record, had he latched right on I am pretty sure he would have only breastfed for a year at the absolute most. I don't care what you say, I am not breastfeeding a 3 year old. I will try again with Derek but, ultimately, will not give myself heart problems over the whole thing.
I am mom enough to admit that Liam is playing independently on the floor as I type this. He is not strapped to my back peering over my shoulder at the computer like a little pet monkey. He is entertaining himself.
I am mom enough to admit that I love doing stuff without Liam.. like grocery shopping, going out to eat, going to the doctor's office... and the list goes on. I don't want him with me every second of every single day. I like him an awful lot and we are buddies but, every now and then, some alone time is pretty great. In fact, I wish I had more of it. You want to come babysit my kid?
I am mom enough to admit that, at this point in my pregnancy with Derek, my back hurts so much and so often that I actively try NOT to carry Liam whenever possible. I think I would rather sit on a bed of nails than carry him in a carrier all day.
I am mom enought to admit that Liam was sleep trained by "crying it out" and Derek will be too. I am not going to pretend to like hearing a baby cry from his crib but I DO like that my son goes to bed by himself at the same time every night.
I am mom enough to admit that I worry constantly that I am doing the wrong thing and that my sons will pay for it in the end so I don't need some old gray-haired pediatrician (however well-meaning he may be) pushing guilt-inducing and, in my opinion, unrealistic ideas about parenting and motherhood down my throat.
I am mom enough to say that I will love my children to the end of the world and back and that they will always be incredibly important to their father and I but they cannot and will not be the only thing I think about, my ONLY priority and my ONLY reason for existence... and I will not be holding them and cuddling them every second of their childhood. I am willing to run the risk that this will turn them into serial killers.
As a mom, I am enough... I am doing enough, trying enough, working hard enough and putting in enough hours. I am doing the absolutely best that I can and, if it doesn't seem like enough based on some ideal outlined in a magazine then oh freaking well. And I mean that.
If you're a mom out there worrying about the things that this article says please give yourself a late Mother's Day present and forget you ever read it or heard about it and continue to do your best.
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