Why, yes, I AM mom enough...

The recent Time cover article entitled "Are You Mom Enough?" is getting a lot of buzz... partially because there's a child, who looks like he may be off to college any day, pictured breastfeeding on the cover and partially because the article details the tenets of "Attachment Parenting" which is controversial and guilt-inducing for many parents.  I have seen TV specials and read other articles as well as seen some TV interviews with celebrities as well as with Dr. Sears ("the guy" as far as this stuff goes) about this style of parenting over the years so the ideas explained in Time didn't shock me.  I knew there was a group of people out there who really believed firmly in these parenting principles.  If you don't know what Attachment Parenting is it has to do with spending your entire life attached to your child.  You "wear" the baby (in a sling or backpack, etc.), sleep with the baby, breastfeed the baby until... well... seemingly indefinitely....and pretty much never, ever spend any time apart from your child.  As I mentioned, the "guru" of this whole thing is an old man named Dr. Sears who seems nice enough but who, honestly, kind of makes me angry with his theories which seem to say that parenthood should be all-encompassing and that it is selfish to think otherwise. (For instance: Never let a baby cry... ever.  They are ALWAYS crying for a reason.  You should always go to them immediately.)

People all over the place are discussing this article, this cover and what the title implies about parents (particularly moms, obviously) who don't practice this style of parenting.  The implication is pretty clear to me: ARE YOU MOM ENOUGH TO DEVOTE EVERY MILLISECOND OF YOUR LIFE TO YOUR BABY?  If not... well... be ready for the consequences...  As a stay at home mom I find the "attachment parenting" style completely unrealistic and, frankly, kind of horrible which, of course, makes me feel guilty.  I can't imagine what it makes working moms feel like (I am envisioning absolute nervous breakdowns).  So, in response to the idea that I am expected to do nothing but live, breathe and eat my kids (you know what I mean), I am a mom enough to admit the following things....

I am mom enough to admit that Liam has never spent one night in our bed with us.  This was obviously initially partly due to the SIDS risk and the pediatricians' firm warnings.  Now it is because it is OUR BED and OUR ROOM and the one place in this whole house which does not have ANY of his belongings in it and we like it that way.  At 8:00 at night Liam goes to bed in his room and we get to interact as two grown-ups.  I don't want him in our bed.  Derek will be sleeping all by himself as well. Thankyouverymuch.

I am mom enough to say that Liam only got about 3 weeks worth of breast milk.  He didn't latch on... ever... not once... so I pumped constantly at all hours of the night and day trying to store up a supply for him and I was never, ever able to really produce enough breastmilk so, at about a month old, he went to straight formula.  It was an intense source of guilt at the time but he seems to be doing OK at 14 months old.  He is very bonded to myself and his father and is healthy as an ox.  I think breastfeeding is great but, jeez people, you make a woman feel like a total failure if it just doesn't work out.  Oh, and just for the record, had he latched right on I am pretty sure he would have only breastfed for a year at the absolute most.  I don't care what you say, I am not breastfeeding a 3 year old.  I will try again with Derek but, ultimately, will not give myself heart problems over the whole thing.

I am mom enough to admit that Liam is playing independently on the floor as I type this.  He is not strapped to my back peering over my shoulder at the computer like a little pet monkey.  He is entertaining himself. 

I am mom enough to admit that I love doing stuff without Liam.. like grocery shopping, going out to eat, going to the doctor's office... and the list goes on.  I don't want him with me every second of every single day.  I like him an awful lot and we are buddies but, every now and then, some alone time is pretty great.  In fact, I wish I had more of it.  You want to come babysit my kid?

I am mom enough to admit that, at this point in my pregnancy with Derek, my back hurts so much and so often that I actively  try NOT to carry Liam whenever possible. I think I would rather sit on a bed of nails than carry him in a carrier all day. 

I am mom enought to admit that Liam was sleep trained by "crying it out" and Derek will be too.  I am not going to pretend to like hearing a baby cry from his crib but I DO like that my son goes to bed by himself at the same time every night.

I am mom enough to admit that I worry constantly that I am doing the wrong thing and that my sons will pay for it in the end so I don't need some old gray-haired pediatrician (however well-meaning he may be) pushing guilt-inducing and, in my opinion, unrealistic ideas about parenting and motherhood down my throat. 

I am mom enough to say that I will love my children to the end of the world and back and that they will always be incredibly important to their father and I but they cannot and will not be the only thing I think about, my ONLY priority and my ONLY reason for existence... and I will not be holding them and cuddling them every second of their childhood.  I am willing to run the risk that this will turn them into serial killers.

As a mom, I am enough... I am doing enough, trying enough, working hard enough and putting in enough hours.  I am doing the absolutely best that I can and, if it doesn't seem like enough based on some ideal outlined in a magazine then oh freaking well.  And I mean that. 

If you're a mom out there worrying about the  things that this article says please give yourself a late Mother's Day present and forget you ever read it or heard about it and continue to do your best.  

My Daniel

I like to think of myself as a good mom.   All moms do, right? I like to think that I am doing a really good job most days and that my son feels loved, is well-nourished and cared for and is going to grow up to be an awesome guy someday.   This is at the core of everything I do and who I am.  It is the most important role I will ever play.  If I fail at raising good sons, I don't know that any other accomplishment would ever matter to me much at all.   I am proud of my role as a mother.   But I have to admit something --- The truth of the matter is that I could not be half of the mom that I am if it weren't for my husband, Daniel.  He is a great dad because he is IN LOVE with his kids (the one outside of the belly and the one inside) and he is affectionate and doting.  He is not afraid of dirty diapers or bath time.  He feeds Liam his bedtime bottle every single night.  He lays his hands on my stomach every day waiting for Derek to kick.  BUT the biggest reason he is a great dad is because he is a great husband.   From the big things (He is a great provider and a hard worker) to the little ones (He brings me home surprises like my favorite candies or, lately, Limeade Sparklers from Taco Bell!)  he  finds ways to show me that he loves me often.  Sometimes he forgets to behave and is short or snappy with me or blames me for things that are (clearly) not my fault but he usually apologizes quickly.  He can be a bit of a smartass (OK the biggest smartass in history) and he forgets to do half of what I ask him to do without being reminded... a hundred times.  That's OK and I will tell you why.  This is a secret so don't tell anyone.
 I am not perfect either.

I don't always like to admit it but I am neurotic and naggy and overly sensitive.  I am crabby in the morning and can be a bit of a know it all.  And I am terrible at saying, "Sorry."  (That's mostly because I am never wrong).

We are both obnoxious and pushy in our own ways.  We like things our own way.  We pick on each other quite a bit.  We almost always end up arguing on long car rides. But the truth of the matter is that we really, really love each other.   We really, really couldn't imagine life without each other.  We are madly in love with our sons.  We are decent people trying to build a decent life for each other and, most importantly, Liam and Derek.   We make each other better parents and better people.  He teaches me to let things go and I teach him to pay attention to what is important.   I hope, I really hope, our sons are silly like him and have fun in life like he does.  I hope they blast their music in their cars and sing.  (I hate loud music but I like the IDEA of it... the freedom and joy that it symbolizes.)   I hope they work hard like he does.  I hope they compliment my cooking (and all other women's) like he does.  That's a great quality in a man.  I hope they are good husbands and good friends and wonderful fathers... fiercely protective and loyal.  And they better know how much their mother loves their father.  Even if I yell at him some days or try and boss him around (He needs it!  He forgets EVERYTHING, I'm telling you!!!) they better know that we, as a family, are four... a unit.  Without one of us, we are nothing.  

Most of all, I hope they know that they don't have to worry... that their mother and father will always fix whatever is broken...

BUT PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE, let them be better at remembering things!!!!!

First year we were married.  At a bar.  This pic sort of sums us up. (Check out Daniel's hair!... and no beard!)

Fourth year.  No more bars. This pic also sort of sums us up. (Derek was there too!!)

Motherhood, WHY ME?

As promised, here is a post of my opinion of the top ten most exhausting, irritating and downright sucky aspects of motherhood.  I am going to warn you.  I am going to be honest and I am not going to end each bullet with the obligatory "positive spin."  Sometimes moms want to run away and hide just like with any other job.  If I need to remind you that, in spite of this, I still love my son... well, then, you're crazy.

Here goes, once again, in no particular order:

1.  Guilt and worry!!!  Why do we have to feel so guilty? All of us!  Working moms, stay at home moms, step-moms, moms of 1, moms of 5, moms of babies, moms of adults, we all have one thing in common - guilt!  Are we doing it right today?  Did we do it right yesterday?  Are they eating enough?  Too much?  Are we talking to them enough?  Are they spending too much time at home?  Are they spending too much  time in daycare? Could someone ever hurt them?  Is someone hurting them?  Are they getting sick?  Are we setting a good example?  Parenting = Guilt and worry!  How can it not?  Parenting means responsibility for another human being's LIFE!  (P.S.  This applies to a lot of dads too.  I know it applies to my husband but I think men are just less inclined to worry and guilt.  In any case, didn't want to minimize the feelings lots of dads have for their kids!!)

2.  Kids' TV is irritating, overly cutesy and gets old FAST.  My husband and I maybe get an hour or two to watch what we want.  Most of our time is spent watching Wonder Pets and Bubble Guppies.  Truth be told, these shows are sort of funny or cute in small doses but in large doses you start to feel like your brain is turning to mush.  Liam's favorite movie, for instance, is Rio.  For those of you who have not seen it, it's about a slightly socially awkward, domesticated American macaw who is shipped off to Brazil to mate with another tough, wild Brazilian macaw.  This movie is actually not bad and has some witty dialogue and good music mixed in which are meant to make it watchable for adults.  The first 5 or 6 times - cute.  The 100th time - shoot me in the head... I wanna watch The Real Housewives of New Jersey.  Which brings me back to # 1 - Oh God, is he watching too much TV?????

3.  People without kids do not get you anymore.  Once you become a mom (or dad) it is difficult for MOST single people or childless couples to understand you.  I have wonderful friends who sometimes really try but they don't get it.   They just don't.  If I say I am leaving dinner early to be home for bed time I feel like an annoyance.  The truth is "jammy time" is one of the best times of day in our house and I love being there to kiss my precious son good night. I'd rather do that than most things. That doesn't make sense to a lot of people without kids but that's just the truth.  At times I personally feel like an old, boring dork to my friends. 

4.  Someday these kids are going to turn into the dreaded TEENAGER!  I really find that frightening.  We love them so much and they are so sweet and cute now but someday (it won't seem like long) they will be 16 year olds with driver's licenses and attitudes.  Mom will know nothing.  Dad will be boring and old.  They will probably get drunk and, God help me, have SEX (hopefully not at the same time!!!!!)  I shudder at the thought of my sweet Liam as a teen.  Partially because, for the most part, teenagers are pains in the butt and partially because getting kids out of the teen years safe, alive and relatively unscathed while still allowing them to establish their independence seems like an incredibly difficult and complex feat.  I can handle sippy cups and dirty diapers but my boys having GIRLFRIENDS and CARS?  No. No.  At 5, they each need to be administered a shot to stop this process.  And, here we are, back at # 1 once again.  WORRY!  It is sick that I am worried about things that will happen literally more than a decade from now but I am because I am a mom.

5.  The Stay at Home Mom vs. Working Mom conflict! Why are working moms and Stay at Home Moms so often at war with one another?  I will tell you why because all moms are GUILTY and WORRIED.  Stay at home moms feel inadequate at times for a variety of reasons.  ("Am I valuable?  Does what I do count?  I am home all day, I should spend every waking second grateful and joyful for this time with my children.  I am obnoxious and spoiled to complain or to seem cranky or tired!!")  Working moms worry that people are judging them for spending time away from their child either by necessity or choice.  ("Shouldn't I miss my kid every second?  I mean EVERY SINGLE SECOND?  Do people think I value money more than my child?  Will my child love the nanny more?  If I pick up dinner on the way home I am failing as a wife and a mom??... even if I am leaving the office at 6 after a long, stressful day.")  ***Now I am not a working mom so I am basing that on convos I have had with friends who work as well as a little bit of my own perception.***  In any case, these feelings of fear and inadequacy lead moms to take jabs at one another.  "Well, what does she DO all day at home?" vs.  "Does she even see her kid except on weekends?"  I think this is so nasty and mean.  I hate when moms do this to each other.  It's a personal choice to stay home or work and, for many, it is NOT a choice at ALL.  Some moms have to be at home because their pay could never make up for daycare costs while other moms have to work for a multitude of reasons.  So just stop it!!!  Be nice to each other!!

6.  Shopping with kids is awful.  No one likes it.  I don't believe you if you say you do.  Some days or trips in particular may be easier or better than others but you're a liar if you say you would rather bring your kids to the grocery store than leave them at home with Daddy or a sitter... and this is coming from a mom with a kid who, by most accounts, has an awesome temperament and personality. He usually does very well shopping with minimal meltdowns and is pretty easily placated with a snack or a sippy cup.   He also hasn't gotten old enough to start begging for things at the store so I don't have to avoid the toy aisle like the plague. (God help the moms whose kids I hear at every trip to Target, 5 aisles away, screaming at the top of their lungs!  You, my friends, are my heroes. )  But do you really want to have pack snacks, bottles, diapers, wipes, toys, extra clothes for your kids and yourself just to go to the grocery store?  NO.  Do you possibly want to take your time to wander down an aisle and peruse a variety of salad dressings?  Do you want to be able to take your time and not have to throw the first Ranch dressing you see in the cart?  YES.  Do you wish that the sweet old lady in frozen foods would not keep you for TWENTY minutes playing with and talking to your baby?  Probably.  Do you feel 5 times as tired when you leave the store as you should?  Absolutely.


To be honest, I can't think of 10.  I think these 6 pretty much sum it up.  I guess that's my "obligatory positive spin" that, ultimately, I could easily  think of 10 joys of being a mom and that it took memore effort to create this list and I only came up with 6.    That was totally unintended... sorry. ; )

Liam - March 23, 2011. 

Liam - February 2012

He will be one year old in less than a week!!!  Some of the last year has been fun and joyful.  Some has been scary, exhausting and trying.   One thing is FOR SURE it has flown by and I am excited to see what the next MANY years have in store for us as a family.

By the way, thanks for the messages on Facebook and other words of encouragement about this blog after my first post.  This is fun and it's cool to know people are reading.  Feel free to add to this list yourself.  Tell me what sucks about being a mom.  I am dying to hear!!!!!  LOL 

Thanks for reading.