Proust Questionnaire

I, somehow, became subscribed to Vanity Fair (if you are the person who purchased this subscription, then THANKS!  I have no idea where it came from!) and, in the back, there is always the "Proust Questionnaire."  I don't pretend to know a lot about Proust or the origins of the questionnaire but I find the questions (and the answers that various celebrities give) quite interesting.  So, I am giving it a go.  (Here's a little more info. on the questionnaire, as well as Proust and his answers:  http://www.chick.net/proust/question.html).  Some of these are in the magazine, some of these were in the original, some both. I made my own hybrid. I took out the ones that seemed very outdated or those for which I couldn't think of an honest answer.  I may create my own child-friendly version with simpler questions so that when my kids are older they can answer every year... would be a fun way to watch them grow. 

What do you regard as the lowest depth of misery?  To be alive to see my children die.

Where would you like to live?  I would like to have homes all over the place so we could travel from place to place. 

What is your idea of earthly happiness?  Quiet time with my family... and there should be wine there! ; )

To what faults do you feel most indulgent?  wine

Who are your favorite characters in history?  Abraham Lincoln and Anne Frank

Who are your favorite heroines in real life?  great mothers

Your favorite painter?  Monet... ever since I was a kid.

Your favorite musician?  Singer/songwriters are always my favorites.

The quality you most admire in a man?  Loyal and funny

The quality you most admire in a woman? Loyal and kind

Your favorite virtue? patience

Your favorite occupation?  being a mom

Who would you have liked to be?  No one in particular.  Perhaps someone richer, thinner and more stylish.  ; )

Your most marked characteristic?  I think you would have to ask my husband or someone else close to me.  I would like to say my good nature or my pleasant smile... but that's probably not the case.  ; )

What do you most value in your friends?  loyalty

What is your principle defect?  I am incredibly neurotic

What would you like to be?  a housecat... easiest, laziest life ever

In what country would you like to live?  Italy or France or Greece for a little while... but I am very happy to live in America.

What is your favorite color?  blue or yellow

What is your favorite flower?  tulips and daisies

What is your favorite bird?  Cockateil... the only bird that I have ever owned... a very good bird

Who are your favoite poets?  Stephen Dunn is my very favorite

Who are your heroes in real life?  my father and my husband... two hardworking family men with their priorities straight

What are your favorite names?  Derek and Liam : ) 

What is it you most dislike?  Abuse of the weak (animals, children, the elderly)

What historical figures do you most despise?  Hitler

What natural gift would you most like to possess?  the ability to sing and dance

How would you like to die? Old and holding hands with Daniel.

What is your present state of mind? tired and excited for nap time!!!

What is your motto?  I can't say that I honestly have one.  Anything I would say would seem hypocritical because who can really live by a motto all of the time?  It would be nice to say, "Live and let live!"  or "Carpe Diem" but, truth be told, can I live by these every day?  No.

Try it out!  It's fun!  Oh!! and if you are reading my blog, please click the vlue "join" button.  I only have 3 members but I know lots more people are reading and I am just so curious who you are.  : ) 

A "Brag" Post

So I have been writing confessionals and I think I have been pretty open and honest about my flaws, misgivings and general quirks on my blog so I figured,  why not give  myself some credit?   I am by no means a perfect mom, wife, friend or person but I do do some things right and it might be just as therapeutic as a confessional to write a post bragging a little about what I think I do with some level of competence.  I think all moms are way too hard on themselves and I know I am so here's a little affirmation for me!  I am doing some good things around here!!!

1.  I hate, DESPISE, and loathe cleaning BUT I still do it every single day and I think I keep my house pretty clean considering we have 4 pets and a baby living in a small home.  I have a weekly cleaning list that I force myself to follow like it is legally binding. Mondays = laundry, Tuesdays = bathrooms, etc... You get the idea.  Doing it that way keeps it from ever getting super overwhelming and typically keeps me on schedule.  (My husband, when he is not insanely busy at work, is a great help with this too and I appreciate that he helps out when he has time and energy.  Kudos to my Daniel because I know not all husbands help out with that sort of thing even when they have wives who work, let alone when their wives stay home.)  So I am proud to say that my house almost never looks cluttered and is never, ever DIRTY.  It might be a little messy or could use sweeping (dog hair is the bane of my existence) but it is kept relatively tidy.

Here is my cleaning list. I have seen people on Facebook and Pinterest looking for them or posting them so if you want to check mine out, steal it, edit it or WHATEVER - go for it:

Weekly Cleaning List

Monday

            Laundry

            Tidy up (*sweep, dishes, dust, litter box, etc.)

            Vacuum

Tuesday

          Bathrooms (Trash cans,mop,sink,mirrors,bath tubs,toilets)

          Tidy up*

Wednesday

          Magic erase

          Tidy up*

Thursday

          Organize/clean out SOMETHING

          Tidy up*

Friday

          Vacuum

          Surfaces(mop floors,clean windows,           dust,windex,refrigerator,freezer,microwave)

          Tidy up*

2. Liam, for the most part (EASTER DOESN'T COUNT) eats a really healthy and balanced diet of homemade food which I make for him.  He eats very few processed foods and/or refined sugars.  I feel really good about that because it is not the easiest thing to do and it can be inconvenient at times but, because we feed him such a nutritious diet, he sincerely LOVES plain yogurt, fruit smoothies, broccoli, carrots and whole wheat pasta!! Yay!

smoothie and whole wheat toast

3.  Remember that huge pile of birthday gifts I confessed would probably sit in the hall for weeks?  By that following Thursday they were all organized and put away.   GOOO ME!

4.  I cook dinner almost every night.  It's not always from scratch and it's not always the most delicious meal ever but I cook for Daniel and I.  I create a menu every week and then try to stick to it.  I love to cook but I am often so tired by the end of the day that cooking is not always what I feel like doing... but I do it.  (We eat in front of the TV with our plates in our laps and I rarely do the dishes after dinner... BUT I COOK!!!)

5.  A few weeks after I confessed that we rarely brush Liam's teeth we started brushing them every night!  He is so cute when we brush them.  He opens his little mouth wide and seems to enjoy it.  We are such good parents!!!! LOL

Don't think me an egotist... I promise I am not.  I am actually incredibly hard on myself typically.  This was a nice little way to pat myself on the back.  You should try it.  It is OK to give yourself some credit.  Write down 5 things you think you are doing right... even if you don't blog it.

You Always Need Your Parents

It has been almost 10 years since my father died of cancer and I still often think I see him walking into stores or stepping out of cars.  I see the back of an older man - salt and pepper hair, slim build, loafers and khakis - and, for a split second, I think it is him.  When that happens, at least once a week, I am hit with an overwhelming feeling of grief and sadness.  Of course it isn't him.  It can't be him.  He probably wouldn't even look like that anymore. The feeling hits hard, right in the chest, and then fades... and I go on with my day and forget the whole thing.  But I never forget him.  He is always right there... in the back of my mind, deep in my heart, right there.  I miss him every single day.  What they say about it getting easier is true.  10 years ago I missed him every single second, then it became every hour or so, then it became every few hours, and now it is every day.  It changed me, his death.  It changed the way I see the world, the way I love people, the way I parent, the way I am a wife, the way I think about almost everything.  For one thing the world became, for me, a scarier place.   It is a place where bad things DO happen to good people.   I learned that life is risky, that loving people can be terrifying (because they can leave you even if they don't mean to or want to.)  It drives my husband crazy the way I worry about everything.  I worry about things that make sense in relation to my father's death like sickness, accidents, death (obviously) and so on but I also worry about silly things. I worry because it gives me a sense of control, I suppose.  If I worry enough... bad things won't happen (which is obviously completely untrue).  But being a worrier is so at the core of who I am now that it is strange to realize that I don't think I became such a worrier until my father died.

 It's nights like tonight when I can't sleep and the house is quiet that I really find myself feeling the depth of the sadness in my heart.  It's when I really remember him and miss him.  It's a desperate feeling and it makes a person feel really lost and vulnerable so, for me, it's not a feeling I allow myself to have too often.  I might miss him in passing but not often like this. I allow myself to reflect on him, to really remember him before he got sick and after he got sick.  The most painful memories are by far the ones of after he got sick.  That was a very dark time for my family and there were some particularly horrible moments that I don't think I have ever even spoken aloud to anyone since they happened.  It's nights like these that those nightmareish types of memories find their way into my consciousness.  But I also find myself remembering joyful little details about him like his favorite brown robe or the way he smelled or his ridiculous impression of a male ballerina which he only did around my mother and I.  Those memories bring me peace and happiness because I CAN remember him.  I can call up those images.  I used to worry that I would forget him but I didn't.  He was too valuable to have been forgotten. The fact that I still expect him to be walking out of Target 10 years after his death is a testament to how important he was to me, how important all of our parents are to us.  He couldn't possibly really be gone, I think.  How is there a world that exists without my dad? 

The role of a parent is to teach you, mold you and guide you.  Despite what you want to believe when you are 18, you always need your parents. Always.  The older I get, the more difficult his absence becomes.  I missed him at my high school and college graduations and at my wedding.  I want to ask him for advice almost every day.  I wish I could have known him as an adult... seen him with grown up eyes.  Sometimes I just want to sit quietly with him and watch TV.  I miss him so much every day but my heart literally breaks knowing that my sons will never even have the privilege of missing him.  You can't miss something you never knew.  I think that is, by far, the most difficult part for me.  My father would have loved to have had a son and I know grandsons would have filled his heart so much.  I know they would have benefited so much from him, learned so much from him, and felt so loved by him.  I wish I could hear him say their names or see him hold their little hands, just once.   They deserved to know each other. 

Aside from the sadness of wishing he could be here with my kids, becoming a parent has really altered my perspective on my father's death in other ways.  I now grasp (somewhat and hopefully never fully) how my grandparents felt when my father died.  He was 54 but I remember thinking they grieved for him as you would for a small child.  It wasn't until Liam was born that I understood that, to them, he was still a baby.  He was their baby.  It also helped me understand how becoming sick was so incredibly difficult for my father.  He wanted to protect me which is why he and I rarely spoke of his illness or what it meant but, ultimately, he couldn't. He lost the battle. He wanted to hold me in his arms but he became too weak.  He wanted to participate in life with me - to go waterskiing or even just drive me to school - but brain tumors took his balance and a lot of his sight.  It must have been heartbreaking for him to see me right there but feel like he was missing out on me.  It makes me appreciate that I have this time with my son and know that I shouldn't take it for granted. 

My father was a great guy, really, but mostly he was just my dad.  He was incredibly special to me and I loved him immensely.  He could have been anybody's dad with the mustache and the dorky clothes.  But he was mine.   I don't know why nights like tonight happen. I don't know what drove me to miss him so desperately that I wrote this blog and sobbed as I did (apologies for any typos) but, in a strange way, these types of nights make me feel better.  They give me the sense that he will never ever truly be gone.  I hate missing him so much but would rather miss him than never remember him at all.   I hope that having had him as a dad will make me a better mom and I hope that losing him has taught me to cherish those that I love.  I hope I am a better person for the struggle and pain.  Mostly, I hope my sons will feel as loved by their father and I as my dad made me feel.

Confessional # 3

These are not "mommy" confessions like the last 2 confessionals... just personal confessions.. but you still aren't allowed to judge...

1.  I love reality T.V. - LOVE IT!  My favorites are all of the "Real Housewives" series and"Mob Wives."   They are about ridiculous women and their ridiculous behavior and I should be ashamed of myself for loving to watch so much but they are funny and allow me an escape from my own, much more mundane, life.



2.  In my currently hormonal pregnant state I cry almost every day... over nothing.  I usually find some way to blame my husband, though.  I am sort of insane.

3.  I sometimes go a week without shaving my legs.  Between this and number 2, all I have to say is: My poor husband.....

4.  I don't want to deal with the pain, agony or expense of a boob job but, man, do I want fake boobs!  My husband hates fake breasts because they so often look really, well, FAKE but I am so jealous of women with big, perky fake boobs!  I think this probably stems from watching too much of the reality TV I was talking about in number 1.  LOL

5.  Derek's due date is June 27th and I have my fingers crossed for more like early to mid-June.  He would be considered full-term and I would be done being pregnant a lot sooner and before it gets too hot.  It probably sounds terrible for me to hope he comes early... but just a LITTLE early.  : )



 Camille from "The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills" and her fake boobs!!! Yes, I am crazy jealous... LOL



The Mob Wives... Oh, how I love these ladies...

What I Learned From Liam's First Birthday Party

I am not exaggerating when I say that I have been planning Liam's birthday party since around November.  I knew we could not have it at home a) because our house is too small to entertain the 40 people who ended up attending (There were 60 invitees) and b) that sounded incredibly overwhelming and stressful.   Therefore, I began scouting, researching and calling locations early as I wanted to find a kid-friendly venue relatively close to the house with enough room, tables, etc.  I also wanted for there to be some sort of activity so that the kids would be entertained for a half hour or so at least.  The fire house won out.   Once I decided on the fire house, the theme became obvious and apparent and the planning began... It was a great party but here is what I learned about throwing a baby a party.  Hopefully this will save some other new mom out there some trouble.

One year olds don't really care about their birthdays...

at all.  I knew, of course, that he wouldn't know it was his birthday or his party.  I knew that the party, in many ways, was for Daniel and I.  BUT I also allowed myself to become very stressed and crazy over this party and Liam spent 90 % of it playing on the floor with his cousins.   To him, it could have been any other family gathering. He didn't wear the cute fire hat for more than 2 minutes.  He didn't notice that his cake looked like a fire truck.  He didn't really eat any of the food and he passed out during the fire house tour.  Daniel and I opened his presents for him.  He ate probably four or five bites of cake and then Daniel thought he looked a little sick so he took it away... at which point Liam simply smeared the frosting left on his hands on... everything. His favorite part of the day, I am pretty sure, was the balloons. 

If I had the party to do over I still would have lots of food, would have made sure there was an activity for the kids and probably would have bought the favors, the hats, the precious personalized birthday shirt and... well... everything else... but I would not have laid awake nights worrying about any of it.  So what if the tortilla chips had run out or if there had only been THREE flavors of cupcakes instead of 4 or, heck, just one!?  I mean, really, would anyone have noticed?  I know the most important person there (Liam!) surely would not have.  My husband assures me that some day he will care; when he looks back at pictures he will be appreciative of all of the trouble we went to.  I like to think so but I am not sure I have ever seen pictures of my first birthday... if I have, I couldn't tell you anything about them.  My first birthday party was really for my parents just as Liam's was for us. 

So, here's my vow for Derek's first birthday party next June/July - I will not be so crazy about it and it will still be awesome and everyone will have fun!!!!

Confessional # 2

This week's confessions.... Remember, don't judge me!!

1.  Some mornings I lay in bed and listen to Liam over the monitor.  He talks to his stuffed animals and turns on his musical toy on the side of his crib.  He seems content so I just lay there listening for 15 minutes or so. 

2. I make Liam a smoothie and toast 2 or 3 mornings per week because he can eat those things totally independently and I can do the dishes, look at Facebook or do whatever for 15 or 20 mins.  He really likes smoothies and toast so I don't think that makes me a bad person. LOL

3. At Liam's birthday party he ate cheese dip, crackers and cheese puffs for lunch and not much else... then he ate cake.  (He ate VEGGIES, pasta and yogurt for dinner!!!)

4.  When all else fails, Liam watches Rio.  It's his favorite movie and it plays multiple times per week at our house.   He's actually really cute when he watches it.  He dances to the music and screams at the birds when they squawk.  Point being, I absolutely DO use the TV as a babysitter sometimes.  Sue me.

5.  So many generous friends and family gave Liam so many wonderful gifts for his birthday and they are now stacked in a mountainous pile in the hallway and thinking about taking them all out and organizing them gives me a headache.  They may be there for a month.  LOL. 

OK, now your turn.  Get some stuff of your chest.

My Daniel

I like to think of myself as a good mom.   All moms do, right? I like to think that I am doing a really good job most days and that my son feels loved, is well-nourished and cared for and is going to grow up to be an awesome guy someday.   This is at the core of everything I do and who I am.  It is the most important role I will ever play.  If I fail at raising good sons, I don't know that any other accomplishment would ever matter to me much at all.   I am proud of my role as a mother.   But I have to admit something --- The truth of the matter is that I could not be half of the mom that I am if it weren't for my husband, Daniel.  He is a great dad because he is IN LOVE with his kids (the one outside of the belly and the one inside) and he is affectionate and doting.  He is not afraid of dirty diapers or bath time.  He feeds Liam his bedtime bottle every single night.  He lays his hands on my stomach every day waiting for Derek to kick.  BUT the biggest reason he is a great dad is because he is a great husband.   From the big things (He is a great provider and a hard worker) to the little ones (He brings me home surprises like my favorite candies or, lately, Limeade Sparklers from Taco Bell!)  he  finds ways to show me that he loves me often.  Sometimes he forgets to behave and is short or snappy with me or blames me for things that are (clearly) not my fault but he usually apologizes quickly.  He can be a bit of a smartass (OK the biggest smartass in history) and he forgets to do half of what I ask him to do without being reminded... a hundred times.  That's OK and I will tell you why.  This is a secret so don't tell anyone.
 I am not perfect either.

I don't always like to admit it but I am neurotic and naggy and overly sensitive.  I am crabby in the morning and can be a bit of a know it all.  And I am terrible at saying, "Sorry."  (That's mostly because I am never wrong).

We are both obnoxious and pushy in our own ways.  We like things our own way.  We pick on each other quite a bit.  We almost always end up arguing on long car rides. But the truth of the matter is that we really, really love each other.   We really, really couldn't imagine life without each other.  We are madly in love with our sons.  We are decent people trying to build a decent life for each other and, most importantly, Liam and Derek.   We make each other better parents and better people.  He teaches me to let things go and I teach him to pay attention to what is important.   I hope, I really hope, our sons are silly like him and have fun in life like he does.  I hope they blast their music in their cars and sing.  (I hate loud music but I like the IDEA of it... the freedom and joy that it symbolizes.)   I hope they work hard like he does.  I hope they compliment my cooking (and all other women's) like he does.  That's a great quality in a man.  I hope they are good husbands and good friends and wonderful fathers... fiercely protective and loyal.  And they better know how much their mother loves their father.  Even if I yell at him some days or try and boss him around (He needs it!  He forgets EVERYTHING, I'm telling you!!!) they better know that we, as a family, are four... a unit.  Without one of us, we are nothing.  

Most of all, I hope they know that they don't have to worry... that their mother and father will always fix whatever is broken...

BUT PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE, let them be better at remembering things!!!!!

First year we were married.  At a bar.  This pic sort of sums us up. (Check out Daniel's hair!... and no beard!)

Fourth year.  No more bars. This pic also sort of sums us up. (Derek was there too!!)