A Letter for Daniel's Next Wife

Daniel and I saw a letter on a local radio show's website in which one of the DJs' wives wrote a letter to the next woman in her husband's life.  We thought it was funny so I figured I would write one about my dear, special husband.  No, we are not actually getting a divorce.  We're in this thing for the long haul... no worries.  This is just for fun.

Next Woman,

Well you have found yourself, whether it be due to my death or divorce, in the position of marrying my husband and I assume, never having met you, that you are a pretty strong lady as he can be a particularly trying man at times.  That being said, here are a few pointers to help you out when you are wondering if you got yourself in over your head. 

1.  If you send Daniel to the grocery store for one item he will return with ten.  Most of the items will be totally useless such as shoe cleaner or other random items that hang from the hooks in the aisles.  However, he will probably bring you home something he thought you would like as well.  He is sweet that way.

2.  As you may have guessed from number 1, Daniel is impulsive.  He often acts before he thinks and sometimes never stops to think at all.  It will be your responsibility to remind him that the thing he is "jumping in the car" to do should or could wait until tomorrow.   He has things over night shipped and then doesn't even unwrap them for a few weeks.  He never wants to talk about plans for things more than a week in advance. He sometimes randomly gets up from the couch, gets dressed and gets his keys at 9 pm with no explanation.  The plus side? He also acts in this "spur of the moment" way about chores.  He will just suddenly hop up and fix the sink you have been asking him to fix for months.  This will seem odd but I have learned to just go with it... the sink is getting fixed.  I am a list person and highly organized and if you are with him then chances are you are too and he will drive you crazy with his lack of planning but he's a pretty good guy so give him a break.

3.  He sometimes, usually between the hours of 8 and 9 pm, gets these surges of energy and starts to act more like a 9 year old boy than a grown man.  He wants to wrestle, he starts to sing and dance around and just gets LOUD.  I have tried to fight it (and still do sometimes) but it is really best to allow him to get it out of his system.  It gets worse the more you try to stop it. 

4.  His favorite books are books of anecdotal short stories... like the ones written by David Sedaris (awesome!)  or Tucker Max (ew!).  He also really likes books about sports teams he loves and books with a fantasy element.  If you buy him any other type of book he will more than likely not read it.  What's very endearing is that he will TRY to read it and even leave it in the bathroom for especially long trips (if you know what I mean) but it will eventually find its way to the bookcase unread with the exception of the first five pages. 

5.  Daniel is, perhaps, the single most hard-working person I have ever met.  He is very devoted to his job and takes his role as a provider for his family very seriously.  His job can be very stressful and you will learn to know when something is wrong at work.  You will have to learn to read the signs because he won't ever tell you.  When he's stressed it is best to leave him alone for a little while and let him decompress.  SOMETIMES (very rarely) if you do that he will volunteer the stressful information to you later but usually he will just decompress on his own.  Make him a drink and feed him dinner.  That's usually the key to his heart.

6.   Daniel is never going to grow up.  Accept that fact early and you will be fine.  He will always make crude jokes, say inappropriate things and accept ludicrous dares from his friends (i.e."Hit yourself in the back with an electrical cord as hard as you can!"). He is a tamer version of the Jackass guys in a lot of ways but he is able to be mature when it matters and is a fantastic father and husband, utterly devoted to his family as well as a very loyal friend.  So, like I said, don't ever expect him to act like a grown man.  You will be lucky to get him in a collared shirt. 

These pictures are evidence of what I am talking about:

.... as matter of fact, one of his favorite hobbies is trying to ruin otherwise cute pictures. 

7.  He never does things the first time he is asked.  Ever.  Period.  There is nothing else to say on that topic.  Hone your nagging skills.

8. He is the best husband ever and you will never ever get him away from me so BACK OFF!

 

Confessional # 5

People seem to really enjoy these.  I guess they give people a giggle and perhaps also a sense of relief that they aren't as bad off as they may have thought. Sooo here's Confessional # 5:

1.  We JUST got Derek's nursery cleared out of the old guest furniture and it is still basically a junk room (albeit more organized because I used yesterday as Thursdays are my organization day to throw away things and sort the stuff that was left into piles) and I would never let anyone go in there.  We have 2 months to get our stuff together and I have full confidence that we will but my OCD is really nagging at me about it.  I mean, come on, I have a "Thursday organization day," how can can that room not be haunting my dreams?


2.  Although we have been warned about the dangers of saying, "No!" too much (as it will lose its meaning), Liam has really started to respond to it and I personally say "No!" like crazy.  It works and I'm sorry but with our limited communication capabilities I will currently take anything I can get especially if it will keep the baby from pulling the bookcase down on himself or licking the litter box.

3.  At this point I need a nap every day as much as Liam does.  I literally cannot function without that two hours.  A lot of days I don't sleep but I lay in bed and either watch TV, read or just relax with my eyes closed.  The days that I miss my nap/rest time for whatever reason are pretty bad.  I think I am probably worse off than the baby would be.  I know that in a few months when Derek gets here they will NEVER nap at the same time (ever) so for last few months or so I have been taking full advantage of my pregnancy induced nap time.

4. My weight is so astronomical at this point that I can't even believe that I can really weigh that much. The number just sounds like the weight of a house... or a car...  or a whale. I had never lost all of my weight with Liam (I was just getting close) and then I got pregnant again and now... just wow... the number is appalling.  Many people have assured me that I don't look like I weigh that much and that may or may not be true but it is still a really horrifying number which I will NOT be confessing here... but, just know, it's really bad.

Dear Liam and Derek...

I was watching The View the other day and they were debating whether or not to "pump" your kids up with compliments.  They were discussing their opinions on whether that really prepares them for the world where not everyone will think they are so wonderful.  Whoopi Goldberg made the comment (paraphrasing, here) that her mother always instilled in her the fact that as her mother she thought she was beautiful and fantastic, though not everyone would, but SOME others would... and that that was OK.  This really resonated with me.  I think that is the best preparation that children could possibly have - to know that their parents love them unconditionally, though not everyone will... and, mostly, that that is OK.  That's what I want my sons to know... so here is my love letter to my precious boys.

Dear Liam and Derek,
    You two are the two greatest gifts that your father and I could have ever received.  To be your parents is a privilege and a joy.  If you should ever not feel good enough or scared or lonely, know this, my dears:  Your father and I adore you.  We think you are wonderful and perfect.  You may not grow to the be the most athletic boys in your classes.  You might be chubby or have pimples some day.  All of the girls might not have crushes on you (though I can't imagine it) and people may pick on you (and this will make me contemplate murder, I am sure).  That is the unfortunate truth of life.  Everyone will not adore you quite as much as we do... as a matter of fact, they may not like you much at all and they might go out of their way to make you feel less than what you are.  Listen to me, YOU are perfect.  I don't care if you're a jock or a nerd.  I love you whether you are straight or gay. It doesn't matter to me if you are shy or outgoing.  There is nothing you can do or be that can ever, EVER change how much I love you, how precious you are to me and how beautiful you are in my eyes.   Pay no mind to those who do not see what I see.  Be kind when you can, defend yourself if you have to but, mostly, ignore them.  It is not important that everyone see how beautiful you are - inside and out.  You should let only those that deserve you see the best parts of you.  If they are blinded and cannot appreciate you then that's OK.  There will be others who will... your mommy and daddy will have been the first of them and we will never stop.     

Love always, always, ALWAYS,

Mommy



The Truth About the First Few Months of Parenthood, Part 2

My next installment of the TRUTH... the good, the bad and the ugly of parenting a newborn. 

Your baby will be a great source of joy and you will love them immensely but there will be times (especially at 3 a.m.) that you wish that they would just take care of themselves for 30 minutes so you can do what you want... namely, sleep. You will feel like everything revolves around the baby.. because, well, it does. That is exhausting and you are not a bad person if you don't love every minute of it. It is natural to want to care for your child and to love it but it is NOT natural to be up at 3 am breastfeeding, pumping or warming up bottles, changing diapers and soothing a screaming little person... that's naturally SLEEP time. Fortunately, this is short-lived so just keep looking for the light at the end of the tunnel... it's coming. The baby WILL sleep. I promise.

Here's proof:



 A quick word of advice:  Let the baby cry it out.  Not at 3 months old and not even at 4 but by 6 or 7 months they are developmentally ready to cry it out and go to sleep at night.  It is painful at first but absolutely sanity saving in the long run.  Liam started sleeping through the night at about 3 or 4 months but would go to sleep at a different time every night and would have to be held until he fell asleep.  Sometimes he was in bed at 8.  Sometimes it was 11.  We let this go on entirely too long.  He was 9 or 10 months old before we started putting him down at the same time every night, whether he was awake or asleep, and letting him cry.  It was terrible at first and we made a time limit of 30 minutes.  If he cried for longer than 30 minutes we would check on him.  You know what?  From the very first night he never made it 30 minutes and gradually the crying spells dwindled down to a few minutes of mild fussing.  Now, at almost 13 months, he sometimes cries and sometimes just talks to his stuffed animals (or himself) but he is almost always quiet within 5 minutes.   Our lives are soooooooooo much easier and he is on a great schedule and a great routine which helps him feel safe and secure.  We do the same things every night and he has the same 3 soft toys in his crib with the same music and lights.  As a matter of fact, we got him a new night light about a month ago and it had to be taken out of his room because it disrupted his routine and he stayed up staring at it.  Point being, the BEST thing for a baby is a routine and you are not cruel or unloving to create one and stick to it.  That's what parenting is all about.  That's just my opinion.  There are A LOT of people out there who disagree with me and that is OK too but, if you are at your wit's end, then there's a good chance your baby is too... right?

Your life will revolve around baby during the daytime too.  But we can talk about that in a later post. I don't want to overwhelm you with all of this "truth."     

Confessional # 4

You know the drill by now.  Read, laugh, gasp, nod,  shake your head but don't you judge me!  : )

1.  At 1 pm Liam is still in his jammies.  I do not plan on dressing him.  Not one bit.  He is going to wear his jammies allllll day... and so am I.  He might even wear the same jammies to bed tonight!  (No... no... that would be too much... he'll get a fresh pair.  I promise.  LOL)

2.  I have become a little bit obsessed with The Pioneer Woman's blog/website.  I think she is awesome and I love her posts and I secretly fantasize that my blog will grow in popularity as much as hers has and I will start writing cookbooks (eventhough I am yet to post a recipe on here) and appearing on talk shows.  She is like a rock star of the "mommy blog" set.  http://thepioneerwoman.com/ - check her out.

3.  I always say I hate being pregnant... which I do... but there is one awesome thing that happens when I get pregnant... I get gorgeous nails. I love them.  They are long and strong and the tips are so white they look like a french manicure.  I confess... I love my "pregnancy nails" but you should still very sorry for me and listen to me whine incessantly!

4.  I love Pinterest so much.  It's like crack to me.  I am utterly obsessed.  I do actually use a lot of the pins I find... like recipes and organizational ideas but I also pin tons of things that I know are totally pointless; recipes I will never cook, crafts I will DEFINITELY never make (I am decidedly UNcrafty), decorating ideas that would only be suitable for a home 4 times the size of mine and clothes that I would never wear in real life.  I don't know why but I just can't resist pinning them.  It's almost like internet hoarding.  "This MIGHT come in handy someday so I MUST have it!" (eventhough when it were to come time to use the idea I would never remember that I had it pinned on one of my boards.)  Wow, that's actually exactly like hoarding. 

5.  I am really cheap.  If you know me, you know how cheap I am.  I like to call it "thrifty" but it's "cheap" and I am just going to own that from now on.  I am cheap.  I like to use coupons, find the best deal on everything, hate paying full price for things and getting a good deal is a high to me. I am cheap, cheap, cheap... and I believe wholeheartedly that my family and I have a better quality of life and nicer things because of that fact.  I don't waste money so we end up with extra and I get nice things for the price of lower quality products because I know how to stretch a dollar.  We aren't rich and I don't see any point in pretending that we are or trying to live outside of our means.
 (caveat:  I am not cheap when it comes to others.  I tip well, buy nice gifts and never conveniently "forget" my wallet at lunch.  That's a whole other kind of cheap and, for me, that is unacceptable.)

Join my blog, people! It's the blue button over there ------> on the right.  It says "Join this site". It is sooo nice to see that 50 - 100 people read a post (and that some in other countries are even reading)  but I am dying to know who you are. You know all of my deep, dark secrets so show yourselves!!! ; )

The Truth About The First Few Months of Parenthood, Part 1

I have heard many new moms (a few weeks into parenthood) say, "Why didn't anyone tell me it would be this way? Why does everyone act like it's so magical?" I have seen Facebook posts and had conversations and a lot of people feel a bit tricked in regard to the whole thing.  Those are only the ones who even have the guts to say anything.  A lot more, I am sure, are feeling that way and think they are the only one. So, here's the truth (as I see it) about the first 3 months or so of parenthood.   Now that I have made it past the one year mark I can say with confidence that it DOES get easier but I am going to devote a few posts to the TRUTH about the HUGELY transitional and mildy terrifying time in your life when suddenly someone hands you a tiny newborn PERSON and says, "OK, raise it!"  If you're pregnant, don't be scared, just consider yourself a little bit more prepared.  If you're a new mom I hope you take some solace in knowing that others feel the way you may be feeling.  If your a more "seasoned" (for the record, I do not count myself in this category as I am still more than slightly terrified of messing these boys up) mom this might just make you nod your head a little. 

Truth # 1:  The first month or so after giving birth is a weird transitional period and women feel unattractive and fat.  You are in pain for a while.  Your body still looks pregnant.  Your body is making some funky (and sometimes a little "gross") adjustments while getting used to baby being out of the belly. You can't have sex.  You can't exercise.  Even if you wanted to have sex or exercise you are exhausted and have no energy for physical activity. You probably aren't getting dressed or putting on make-up or even showering.   For all of those reasons, you feel decidedly "unsexy."   Feeling completely "unsexy" for most women is a terribly depressing feeling.  Then, there's the notion that now that your mom you shouldn't even care about being sexy anymore.  Just for the record, it is OK to still want to feel sexy as a mom.  It can be difficult to adjust to the idea that being a mom does not make you any less of a woman... a woman who still likes to shave her legs and wear eyeliner, a woman who still likes to wear attractive clothes. This was a tough one for me and it took me probably about 3 or 4 months after Liam was born to start to feel like an attractive person again.  (Then, of course, when Liam was about 7 months old I found out I was pregnant again.  Now I sometimes wonder if I will ever get to be a "normal" woman ever again.)  This is also very tough for partners because they want to make you feel attractive (I think for most men that is an important aspect of their idea of what makes a "good husband") and they may feel like failures when they can't.  Also, let's be honest you in sweats with your hair in a messy pony tail is an adjustment for them too.  They are going to miss you in cute jeans (or even a DRESS!) and make up. That's natural.  So it's a weird time for both parents and a woman's self-esteem can suffer.  If you're feeling a little frumpy and fat, have faith, it'll get better and, don't worry, you are not alone.

Newborn Liam and I napping... This incredibly unflattering picture is such a wonderful memory.

My little family when Liam was 3 months old... notice the rolliness of the tummy and the extra "chestiness" as well as the cheeks... I still did not really feel like myself and I kind of hated these pictures but I am soooo glad we took them. 

My point is make sure and let people take pictures of you and your baby.  Don't be embarrassed of your body or your unwashed hair or the fact that you are not wearing make up and end up stuck behind the camera because, someday, you will wish you had pictures of you and your tiny one because, despite my best efforts, it has become clear that they don't stay tiny.

I am going to continue to post more "truths" over the next week or so.  I am, by no means, an expert, but I am a person who has been through it and it is NOT my goal to speak for ALL moms.  It is my goal to speak for myself and to, hopefully, let some others out there know that they are not bad people or bad moms for feeling a little less than "magical" every day.

Oh and join my site! I know lots of people are reading and I want to know who!  It's super-easy to do.  Click the blue button.  It'll make me smile. : )

Proust Questionnaire

I, somehow, became subscribed to Vanity Fair (if you are the person who purchased this subscription, then THANKS!  I have no idea where it came from!) and, in the back, there is always the "Proust Questionnaire."  I don't pretend to know a lot about Proust or the origins of the questionnaire but I find the questions (and the answers that various celebrities give) quite interesting.  So, I am giving it a go.  (Here's a little more info. on the questionnaire, as well as Proust and his answers:  http://www.chick.net/proust/question.html).  Some of these are in the magazine, some of these were in the original, some both. I made my own hybrid. I took out the ones that seemed very outdated or those for which I couldn't think of an honest answer.  I may create my own child-friendly version with simpler questions so that when my kids are older they can answer every year... would be a fun way to watch them grow. 

What do you regard as the lowest depth of misery?  To be alive to see my children die.

Where would you like to live?  I would like to have homes all over the place so we could travel from place to place. 

What is your idea of earthly happiness?  Quiet time with my family... and there should be wine there! ; )

To what faults do you feel most indulgent?  wine

Who are your favorite characters in history?  Abraham Lincoln and Anne Frank

Who are your favorite heroines in real life?  great mothers

Your favorite painter?  Monet... ever since I was a kid.

Your favorite musician?  Singer/songwriters are always my favorites.

The quality you most admire in a man?  Loyal and funny

The quality you most admire in a woman? Loyal and kind

Your favorite virtue? patience

Your favorite occupation?  being a mom

Who would you have liked to be?  No one in particular.  Perhaps someone richer, thinner and more stylish.  ; )

Your most marked characteristic?  I think you would have to ask my husband or someone else close to me.  I would like to say my good nature or my pleasant smile... but that's probably not the case.  ; )

What do you most value in your friends?  loyalty

What is your principle defect?  I am incredibly neurotic

What would you like to be?  a housecat... easiest, laziest life ever

In what country would you like to live?  Italy or France or Greece for a little while... but I am very happy to live in America.

What is your favorite color?  blue or yellow

What is your favorite flower?  tulips and daisies

What is your favorite bird?  Cockateil... the only bird that I have ever owned... a very good bird

Who are your favoite poets?  Stephen Dunn is my very favorite

Who are your heroes in real life?  my father and my husband... two hardworking family men with their priorities straight

What are your favorite names?  Derek and Liam : ) 

What is it you most dislike?  Abuse of the weak (animals, children, the elderly)

What historical figures do you most despise?  Hitler

What natural gift would you most like to possess?  the ability to sing and dance

How would you like to die? Old and holding hands with Daniel.

What is your present state of mind? tired and excited for nap time!!!

What is your motto?  I can't say that I honestly have one.  Anything I would say would seem hypocritical because who can really live by a motto all of the time?  It would be nice to say, "Live and let live!"  or "Carpe Diem" but, truth be told, can I live by these every day?  No.

Try it out!  It's fun!  Oh!! and if you are reading my blog, please click the vlue "join" button.  I only have 3 members but I know lots more people are reading and I am just so curious who you are.  : ) 

A "Brag" Post

So I have been writing confessionals and I think I have been pretty open and honest about my flaws, misgivings and general quirks on my blog so I figured,  why not give  myself some credit?   I am by no means a perfect mom, wife, friend or person but I do do some things right and it might be just as therapeutic as a confessional to write a post bragging a little about what I think I do with some level of competence.  I think all moms are way too hard on themselves and I know I am so here's a little affirmation for me!  I am doing some good things around here!!!

1.  I hate, DESPISE, and loathe cleaning BUT I still do it every single day and I think I keep my house pretty clean considering we have 4 pets and a baby living in a small home.  I have a weekly cleaning list that I force myself to follow like it is legally binding. Mondays = laundry, Tuesdays = bathrooms, etc... You get the idea.  Doing it that way keeps it from ever getting super overwhelming and typically keeps me on schedule.  (My husband, when he is not insanely busy at work, is a great help with this too and I appreciate that he helps out when he has time and energy.  Kudos to my Daniel because I know not all husbands help out with that sort of thing even when they have wives who work, let alone when their wives stay home.)  So I am proud to say that my house almost never looks cluttered and is never, ever DIRTY.  It might be a little messy or could use sweeping (dog hair is the bane of my existence) but it is kept relatively tidy.

Here is my cleaning list. I have seen people on Facebook and Pinterest looking for them or posting them so if you want to check mine out, steal it, edit it or WHATEVER - go for it:

Weekly Cleaning List

Monday

            Laundry

            Tidy up (*sweep, dishes, dust, litter box, etc.)

            Vacuum

Tuesday

          Bathrooms (Trash cans,mop,sink,mirrors,bath tubs,toilets)

          Tidy up*

Wednesday

          Magic erase

          Tidy up*

Thursday

          Organize/clean out SOMETHING

          Tidy up*

Friday

          Vacuum

          Surfaces(mop floors,clean windows,           dust,windex,refrigerator,freezer,microwave)

          Tidy up*

2. Liam, for the most part (EASTER DOESN'T COUNT) eats a really healthy and balanced diet of homemade food which I make for him.  He eats very few processed foods and/or refined sugars.  I feel really good about that because it is not the easiest thing to do and it can be inconvenient at times but, because we feed him such a nutritious diet, he sincerely LOVES plain yogurt, fruit smoothies, broccoli, carrots and whole wheat pasta!! Yay!

smoothie and whole wheat toast

3.  Remember that huge pile of birthday gifts I confessed would probably sit in the hall for weeks?  By that following Thursday they were all organized and put away.   GOOO ME!

4.  I cook dinner almost every night.  It's not always from scratch and it's not always the most delicious meal ever but I cook for Daniel and I.  I create a menu every week and then try to stick to it.  I love to cook but I am often so tired by the end of the day that cooking is not always what I feel like doing... but I do it.  (We eat in front of the TV with our plates in our laps and I rarely do the dishes after dinner... BUT I COOK!!!)

5.  A few weeks after I confessed that we rarely brush Liam's teeth we started brushing them every night!  He is so cute when we brush them.  He opens his little mouth wide and seems to enjoy it.  We are such good parents!!!! LOL

Don't think me an egotist... I promise I am not.  I am actually incredibly hard on myself typically.  This was a nice little way to pat myself on the back.  You should try it.  It is OK to give yourself some credit.  Write down 5 things you think you are doing right... even if you don't blog it.

You Always Need Your Parents

It has been almost 10 years since my father died of cancer and I still often think I see him walking into stores or stepping out of cars.  I see the back of an older man - salt and pepper hair, slim build, loafers and khakis - and, for a split second, I think it is him.  When that happens, at least once a week, I am hit with an overwhelming feeling of grief and sadness.  Of course it isn't him.  It can't be him.  He probably wouldn't even look like that anymore. The feeling hits hard, right in the chest, and then fades... and I go on with my day and forget the whole thing.  But I never forget him.  He is always right there... in the back of my mind, deep in my heart, right there.  I miss him every single day.  What they say about it getting easier is true.  10 years ago I missed him every single second, then it became every hour or so, then it became every few hours, and now it is every day.  It changed me, his death.  It changed the way I see the world, the way I love people, the way I parent, the way I am a wife, the way I think about almost everything.  For one thing the world became, for me, a scarier place.   It is a place where bad things DO happen to good people.   I learned that life is risky, that loving people can be terrifying (because they can leave you even if they don't mean to or want to.)  It drives my husband crazy the way I worry about everything.  I worry about things that make sense in relation to my father's death like sickness, accidents, death (obviously) and so on but I also worry about silly things. I worry because it gives me a sense of control, I suppose.  If I worry enough... bad things won't happen (which is obviously completely untrue).  But being a worrier is so at the core of who I am now that it is strange to realize that I don't think I became such a worrier until my father died.

 It's nights like tonight when I can't sleep and the house is quiet that I really find myself feeling the depth of the sadness in my heart.  It's when I really remember him and miss him.  It's a desperate feeling and it makes a person feel really lost and vulnerable so, for me, it's not a feeling I allow myself to have too often.  I might miss him in passing but not often like this. I allow myself to reflect on him, to really remember him before he got sick and after he got sick.  The most painful memories are by far the ones of after he got sick.  That was a very dark time for my family and there were some particularly horrible moments that I don't think I have ever even spoken aloud to anyone since they happened.  It's nights like these that those nightmareish types of memories find their way into my consciousness.  But I also find myself remembering joyful little details about him like his favorite brown robe or the way he smelled or his ridiculous impression of a male ballerina which he only did around my mother and I.  Those memories bring me peace and happiness because I CAN remember him.  I can call up those images.  I used to worry that I would forget him but I didn't.  He was too valuable to have been forgotten. The fact that I still expect him to be walking out of Target 10 years after his death is a testament to how important he was to me, how important all of our parents are to us.  He couldn't possibly really be gone, I think.  How is there a world that exists without my dad? 

The role of a parent is to teach you, mold you and guide you.  Despite what you want to believe when you are 18, you always need your parents. Always.  The older I get, the more difficult his absence becomes.  I missed him at my high school and college graduations and at my wedding.  I want to ask him for advice almost every day.  I wish I could have known him as an adult... seen him with grown up eyes.  Sometimes I just want to sit quietly with him and watch TV.  I miss him so much every day but my heart literally breaks knowing that my sons will never even have the privilege of missing him.  You can't miss something you never knew.  I think that is, by far, the most difficult part for me.  My father would have loved to have had a son and I know grandsons would have filled his heart so much.  I know they would have benefited so much from him, learned so much from him, and felt so loved by him.  I wish I could hear him say their names or see him hold their little hands, just once.   They deserved to know each other. 

Aside from the sadness of wishing he could be here with my kids, becoming a parent has really altered my perspective on my father's death in other ways.  I now grasp (somewhat and hopefully never fully) how my grandparents felt when my father died.  He was 54 but I remember thinking they grieved for him as you would for a small child.  It wasn't until Liam was born that I understood that, to them, he was still a baby.  He was their baby.  It also helped me understand how becoming sick was so incredibly difficult for my father.  He wanted to protect me which is why he and I rarely spoke of his illness or what it meant but, ultimately, he couldn't. He lost the battle. He wanted to hold me in his arms but he became too weak.  He wanted to participate in life with me - to go waterskiing or even just drive me to school - but brain tumors took his balance and a lot of his sight.  It must have been heartbreaking for him to see me right there but feel like he was missing out on me.  It makes me appreciate that I have this time with my son and know that I shouldn't take it for granted. 

My father was a great guy, really, but mostly he was just my dad.  He was incredibly special to me and I loved him immensely.  He could have been anybody's dad with the mustache and the dorky clothes.  But he was mine.   I don't know why nights like tonight happen. I don't know what drove me to miss him so desperately that I wrote this blog and sobbed as I did (apologies for any typos) but, in a strange way, these types of nights make me feel better.  They give me the sense that he will never ever truly be gone.  I hate missing him so much but would rather miss him than never remember him at all.   I hope that having had him as a dad will make me a better mom and I hope that losing him has taught me to cherish those that I love.  I hope I am a better person for the struggle and pain.  Mostly, I hope my sons will feel as loved by their father and I as my dad made me feel.

Confessional # 3

These are not "mommy" confessions like the last 2 confessionals... just personal confessions.. but you still aren't allowed to judge...

1.  I love reality T.V. - LOVE IT!  My favorites are all of the "Real Housewives" series and"Mob Wives."   They are about ridiculous women and their ridiculous behavior and I should be ashamed of myself for loving to watch so much but they are funny and allow me an escape from my own, much more mundane, life.



2.  In my currently hormonal pregnant state I cry almost every day... over nothing.  I usually find some way to blame my husband, though.  I am sort of insane.

3.  I sometimes go a week without shaving my legs.  Between this and number 2, all I have to say is: My poor husband.....

4.  I don't want to deal with the pain, agony or expense of a boob job but, man, do I want fake boobs!  My husband hates fake breasts because they so often look really, well, FAKE but I am so jealous of women with big, perky fake boobs!  I think this probably stems from watching too much of the reality TV I was talking about in number 1.  LOL

5.  Derek's due date is June 27th and I have my fingers crossed for more like early to mid-June.  He would be considered full-term and I would be done being pregnant a lot sooner and before it gets too hot.  It probably sounds terrible for me to hope he comes early... but just a LITTLE early.  : )



 Camille from "The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills" and her fake boobs!!! Yes, I am crazy jealous... LOL



The Mob Wives... Oh, how I love these ladies...