A Letter for Daniel's Next Wife

Daniel and I saw a letter on a local radio show's website in which one of the DJs' wives wrote a letter to the next woman in her husband's life.  We thought it was funny so I figured I would write one about my dear, special husband.  No, we are not actually getting a divorce.  We're in this thing for the long haul... no worries.  This is just for fun.

Next Woman,

Well you have found yourself, whether it be due to my death or divorce, in the position of marrying my husband and I assume, never having met you, that you are a pretty strong lady as he can be a particularly trying man at times.  That being said, here are a few pointers to help you out when you are wondering if you got yourself in over your head. 

1.  If you send Daniel to the grocery store for one item he will return with ten.  Most of the items will be totally useless such as shoe cleaner or other random items that hang from the hooks in the aisles.  However, he will probably bring you home something he thought you would like as well.  He is sweet that way.

2.  As you may have guessed from number 1, Daniel is impulsive.  He often acts before he thinks and sometimes never stops to think at all.  It will be your responsibility to remind him that the thing he is "jumping in the car" to do should or could wait until tomorrow.   He has things over night shipped and then doesn't even unwrap them for a few weeks.  He never wants to talk about plans for things more than a week in advance. He sometimes randomly gets up from the couch, gets dressed and gets his keys at 9 pm with no explanation.  The plus side? He also acts in this "spur of the moment" way about chores.  He will just suddenly hop up and fix the sink you have been asking him to fix for months.  This will seem odd but I have learned to just go with it... the sink is getting fixed.  I am a list person and highly organized and if you are with him then chances are you are too and he will drive you crazy with his lack of planning but he's a pretty good guy so give him a break.

3.  He sometimes, usually between the hours of 8 and 9 pm, gets these surges of energy and starts to act more like a 9 year old boy than a grown man.  He wants to wrestle, he starts to sing and dance around and just gets LOUD.  I have tried to fight it (and still do sometimes) but it is really best to allow him to get it out of his system.  It gets worse the more you try to stop it. 

4.  His favorite books are books of anecdotal short stories... like the ones written by David Sedaris (awesome!)  or Tucker Max (ew!).  He also really likes books about sports teams he loves and books with a fantasy element.  If you buy him any other type of book he will more than likely not read it.  What's very endearing is that he will TRY to read it and even leave it in the bathroom for especially long trips (if you know what I mean) but it will eventually find its way to the bookcase unread with the exception of the first five pages. 

5.  Daniel is, perhaps, the single most hard-working person I have ever met.  He is very devoted to his job and takes his role as a provider for his family very seriously.  His job can be very stressful and you will learn to know when something is wrong at work.  You will have to learn to read the signs because he won't ever tell you.  When he's stressed it is best to leave him alone for a little while and let him decompress.  SOMETIMES (very rarely) if you do that he will volunteer the stressful information to you later but usually he will just decompress on his own.  Make him a drink and feed him dinner.  That's usually the key to his heart.

6.   Daniel is never going to grow up.  Accept that fact early and you will be fine.  He will always make crude jokes, say inappropriate things and accept ludicrous dares from his friends (i.e."Hit yourself in the back with an electrical cord as hard as you can!"). He is a tamer version of the Jackass guys in a lot of ways but he is able to be mature when it matters and is a fantastic father and husband, utterly devoted to his family as well as a very loyal friend.  So, like I said, don't ever expect him to act like a grown man.  You will be lucky to get him in a collared shirt. 

These pictures are evidence of what I am talking about:

.... as matter of fact, one of his favorite hobbies is trying to ruin otherwise cute pictures. 

7.  He never does things the first time he is asked.  Ever.  Period.  There is nothing else to say on that topic.  Hone your nagging skills.

8. He is the best husband ever and you will never ever get him away from me so BACK OFF!