Confessional # 7

I have not written a blog post in FOREVER!  I apologize to all of my loyal fans and followers.  (That's a joke in case you couldn't tell.)
I figured we were due up for some confessions so here we go:

1.  I am in a very defeated, mopey, sad little mood today because I went to the O.B. and I am not dilated AT ALL and barely effaced.  I knew I shouldn't let myself get hopeful since I am only 36 and a half weeks and because I never dilated much with Liam... but I did get hopeful.  I didn't think I was having the baby today or anything but I just wanted to hear that I had made progress.  I am so tired of being pregnant and I feel like I am not spending enough "quality" time with Liam because I am too tired and achy to play and do the things I wish I could.  I am just over the whole pregnancy thing.  Sooo - in response to not getting my way - today I am not cleaning or doing housework or completing anything on my to do list and just moping and feeling sorry for myself.  Yes, this is childish,  but I am tired (really tired!) and unmotivated.
 
2.  Today at the doctor there was a toddler about Liam's age walking around and playing and exploring and his pregnant mom was chasing him around the waiting room.  I felt bad that I made Liam sit in his stroller and did not let him get out and play but my back was hurting and I didn't want to deal with the inevitable fit that would have ensued when it was time to get back into his stroller. In short,  apparently the other pregnant mama is a stronger woman than I am.  Oh well.

3.  My mail lady and I have a feud going on.  Can you believe that?  Sounds insane.  But it is true.  She hates me and I hate her.  She hates me so much that she ran over our garbage can last week and left a huge dent in it.  I will not bore with you the details.  It is, for the record, 100 % HER fault.

Sorry, wish I had more, maybe my funky little mood and my exhaustion are making it difficult for me to think.  I don't know.  I read once that you should blog every single day in order to keep in the rhythm and the practice of writing and I think that that is probably very true.  I will try and do a much better job of posting more!

What I Learned From Liam's First Birthday Party

I am not exaggerating when I say that I have been planning Liam's birthday party since around November.  I knew we could not have it at home a) because our house is too small to entertain the 40 people who ended up attending (There were 60 invitees) and b) that sounded incredibly overwhelming and stressful.   Therefore, I began scouting, researching and calling locations early as I wanted to find a kid-friendly venue relatively close to the house with enough room, tables, etc.  I also wanted for there to be some sort of activity so that the kids would be entertained for a half hour or so at least.  The fire house won out.   Once I decided on the fire house, the theme became obvious and apparent and the planning began... It was a great party but here is what I learned about throwing a baby a party.  Hopefully this will save some other new mom out there some trouble.

One year olds don't really care about their birthdays...

at all.  I knew, of course, that he wouldn't know it was his birthday or his party.  I knew that the party, in many ways, was for Daniel and I.  BUT I also allowed myself to become very stressed and crazy over this party and Liam spent 90 % of it playing on the floor with his cousins.   To him, it could have been any other family gathering. He didn't wear the cute fire hat for more than 2 minutes.  He didn't notice that his cake looked like a fire truck.  He didn't really eat any of the food and he passed out during the fire house tour.  Daniel and I opened his presents for him.  He ate probably four or five bites of cake and then Daniel thought he looked a little sick so he took it away... at which point Liam simply smeared the frosting left on his hands on... everything. His favorite part of the day, I am pretty sure, was the balloons. 

If I had the party to do over I still would have lots of food, would have made sure there was an activity for the kids and probably would have bought the favors, the hats, the precious personalized birthday shirt and... well... everything else... but I would not have laid awake nights worrying about any of it.  So what if the tortilla chips had run out or if there had only been THREE flavors of cupcakes instead of 4 or, heck, just one!?  I mean, really, would anyone have noticed?  I know the most important person there (Liam!) surely would not have.  My husband assures me that some day he will care; when he looks back at pictures he will be appreciative of all of the trouble we went to.  I like to think so but I am not sure I have ever seen pictures of my first birthday... if I have, I couldn't tell you anything about them.  My first birthday party was really for my parents just as Liam's was for us. 

So, here's my vow for Derek's first birthday party next June/July - I will not be so crazy about it and it will still be awesome and everyone will have fun!!!!

My Daniel

I like to think of myself as a good mom.   All moms do, right? I like to think that I am doing a really good job most days and that my son feels loved, is well-nourished and cared for and is going to grow up to be an awesome guy someday.   This is at the core of everything I do and who I am.  It is the most important role I will ever play.  If I fail at raising good sons, I don't know that any other accomplishment would ever matter to me much at all.   I am proud of my role as a mother.   But I have to admit something --- The truth of the matter is that I could not be half of the mom that I am if it weren't for my husband, Daniel.  He is a great dad because he is IN LOVE with his kids (the one outside of the belly and the one inside) and he is affectionate and doting.  He is not afraid of dirty diapers or bath time.  He feeds Liam his bedtime bottle every single night.  He lays his hands on my stomach every day waiting for Derek to kick.  BUT the biggest reason he is a great dad is because he is a great husband.   From the big things (He is a great provider and a hard worker) to the little ones (He brings me home surprises like my favorite candies or, lately, Limeade Sparklers from Taco Bell!)  he  finds ways to show me that he loves me often.  Sometimes he forgets to behave and is short or snappy with me or blames me for things that are (clearly) not my fault but he usually apologizes quickly.  He can be a bit of a smartass (OK the biggest smartass in history) and he forgets to do half of what I ask him to do without being reminded... a hundred times.  That's OK and I will tell you why.  This is a secret so don't tell anyone.
 I am not perfect either.

I don't always like to admit it but I am neurotic and naggy and overly sensitive.  I am crabby in the morning and can be a bit of a know it all.  And I am terrible at saying, "Sorry."  (That's mostly because I am never wrong).

We are both obnoxious and pushy in our own ways.  We like things our own way.  We pick on each other quite a bit.  We almost always end up arguing on long car rides. But the truth of the matter is that we really, really love each other.   We really, really couldn't imagine life without each other.  We are madly in love with our sons.  We are decent people trying to build a decent life for each other and, most importantly, Liam and Derek.   We make each other better parents and better people.  He teaches me to let things go and I teach him to pay attention to what is important.   I hope, I really hope, our sons are silly like him and have fun in life like he does.  I hope they blast their music in their cars and sing.  (I hate loud music but I like the IDEA of it... the freedom and joy that it symbolizes.)   I hope they work hard like he does.  I hope they compliment my cooking (and all other women's) like he does.  That's a great quality in a man.  I hope they are good husbands and good friends and wonderful fathers... fiercely protective and loyal.  And they better know how much their mother loves their father.  Even if I yell at him some days or try and boss him around (He needs it!  He forgets EVERYTHING, I'm telling you!!!) they better know that we, as a family, are four... a unit.  Without one of us, we are nothing.  

Most of all, I hope they know that they don't have to worry... that their mother and father will always fix whatever is broken...

BUT PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE, let them be better at remembering things!!!!!

First year we were married.  At a bar.  This pic sort of sums us up. (Check out Daniel's hair!... and no beard!)

Fourth year.  No more bars. This pic also sort of sums us up. (Derek was there too!!)

Boofie is 1!!!

To start, we call Liam, "Boofie"... why?, you ask?  Good question.  It started as "Boofah" which I began calling him at about 3 months and which Daniel initially said made no sense.  Soon, though, he joined right in.  Then, over time,  it was "Boof", "Boofer", "Boofie", "The Boofiest."  He is called "Boofie" more often than "Liam."  I know it's weird but I think we will call him that until he is an adult.  It just suits him so well at this point.  His personality is just "booftastic."  His face is just the most "boofnicient" thing I have ever seen.  He and Daniel have a song (to the tune of  "I'm Sexy and I Know It") which goes, "Look at this baby..., I'm Boofie and I know it... I take naps!" (This may not be exactly right, and I am sure Daniel will correct me, but you get the idea.)  In the past year he has, in our eyes, begun to epitomize all that is boofie!  His personality, which a year ago, was nonexistent as he slept and ate... and pooped is a quirky, energetic, silly mixture of Daniel and I.  He is a dancing machine, a banana eater, a green bean hater, Mike the Knight enthusiast who loves anyone who is wearing a RED shirt.  His little personality has gotten cuter and funnier on each of the past 365 days. Which brings me to the point - our precious little 7 lb 8 oz. love bug has grown into an almost 30 lb. crawling, cruising, babbling, ONE YEAR OLD. 

This past year has been unbelievable.  When he was born I couldn't imagine loving him more than I did in those first days... but, somehow, it happened!  I love him more each day.  He becomes more and more of a little person with each passing hour, day, week and month and he gets cuter, funnier and returns our abundance of love with kisses, hugs and giggles.  He is a love machine, truly.  : )

The love just keeps expanding like a big balloon.

When I found out I was pregnant again I had days that I was worried that Liam would get shafted or that I could never love another child the same way that I love him but now, looking at my precious one year old boy, I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that the love in this family is just going to keep GROWING as our sons do.   I can't wait to re-live all of the milestones we have experienced with Liam with his little brother.  I can't wait to watch Liam teach and model for Derek all of the skills that he has already mastered.   Next year, on Liam's birthday he will have a 9 month old brother to celebrate right alongside him! My heart feels so full just thinking about it.

Parenting is tough stuff and not for the faint of heart and this past year has been super challenging and even terrifying somedays.  There have been the weeks when Liam was sick and no one was sleeping.  There have been trips to the grocery store when Liam cried the whole trip or I had to change two poopy diapers in the car.  There have been the days when he ate his own poop or the poop ended up on my shirt or his shirt or both.  There have been some rough days as a SAHM when I was just plain bored and lonely.  But, at the end of this year, looking back, my mind's eye sees more smiles and hugs and kisses than screams and cries, more banana faces than poop faces and more wonderful, happy mornings than sleepless nights.  Would I do it all over again?   Of course... and that's all that matters.

So for all you moms (and dads) out there who are at your wit's end today... just remember... there's always tomorrow... and the next day... and the next day... and someday these special little creatures will be grown ups with their own families and houses and lives.  Each birthday, a wonderful celebration, will be bittersweet (I sobbed this evening during his bath) because each birthday signifies that they are one year older, stronger and more independent.   So hug them tight, love them deeply and try to take it in.  If you forgot to do that today, it's OK.  Some days I forget too.   Today happened to be VERY SPECIAL.

My Little Ray of Sunshine

While I have been pregnant this second time I have been utterly PLAGUED by mood swings, worry and crying spells.  I have been an emotional basketcase who, at times, feels totally out of control of my emotions.   It has been trying for myself and my husband and I have tried extremely hard not to let my son see too much or sense too much of it but I am sure he does sometimes.  However, when I have cried in front of him, he has laughed HYSTERICALLY giving me the sense he thinks I am just making silly noises and sounds... playing with him.  Long-lasting emotional scarring seems unlikely...  This totally inappropriate laughter, however,  is often just what I need to snap out of it.  How can you be upset when there is this gorgeous little boy laughing so hard his face is turning red?  The magic of it all is that, even when his mommy is crying, his life and world are so magical that he believes that she is trying to bring him joy.  That's the thing - the world is here to make him happy, to entertain him, to make him laugh.  Perhaps he also laughs because when he cries someone always smiles at him, holds him and makes him feel better.  Perhaps he sees my crying spell as an opportunity to return the favor; to smile at me, to tell me "Hey mom, It will be ok... it's not so serious... don't be silly..."  Regardless, he reminds me that it's going to be OK.  That is his gift to me.

The simple magic of being a small child is the belief that everything will be OK - that life is really just a big fun game!  This morning, after breakfast, I did the dishes and he played with his colorful baby spoons in his high chair.  He pounded them on his high chair tray, he sucked on them, he put them over his eyes and giggled,.  He threw them on the floor and waited for me to pick them up and then laughed when I handed them back, grabbing my face as I set them down and pulling it in for a kiss.  The magic of the spoons (that he eats from EVERY day) lasted 30 minutes.  I kept thinking, I wish I found spoons so enchanting.  Doing dishes would be a lot more fun if I did.  But, at least, I get to do the dishes with HIM every morning.  Afterward, I set him on the floor in his play pen and took out some of the toys he was playing with yesterday and put in some "new" (haven't been played with in a couple of days) ones.  He spent the next hour (while I worked on my grocery list and paid bills) picking up each new toy and playing with it, rolling around with it, tasting it, pushing all of its buttons and giggling at me each time I walked by or looked up, as if to say, "Look Mom!  Remember my piano??!  It lights up and makes noise!  I haven't seen this thing in days!!"  I would lean down and kiss him and he would grab my hair HARD and when I yelled "Ow!" he would, what else?, laugh!   The amount of magic and joy that this baby experienced in just the first two hours of being awake this morning is probably twice as much as I have in the last year. 

The great thing is that now I get to experience the magic with him and, though he's not much of a conversationalist and has terrible taste in TV, I get to hang out with the happiest dude on the planet every day... and that makes life a lot easier, funnier, sillier, happier and just, all around, awesome!  He is the best anti-depressant in the world and I am so grateful for my little ray of sunshine! 



If you don't have a little one to spend your life with then I will share mine:

The magic of dirt in your hands... nothing better!

A CAMERA!!  Let me hold it!!!

 

The washing machine is soooo cool!

 

Toast is amazing!

 

Have you really LOOKED at the top to my shape sorter???  Coolest thing ever!

 Placemats, what a fantastic invention!

Confessional

I have seen this done on a few other blogs and think it seems fun.  This is how it works:

1. I confess my deep, dark secrets. 
2. You don't judge me. 
3.  Then YOU try it.  Confess.  On the comment section or on FB or on your own blog.
4.  We all feel better.

I think it could be pretty therapeutic.

Confession # 1:  I ate Cheetos for breakfast. This is terrible because it would be an unbalanced and unhealthy breakfast for anyone but pretty darn atrocious because I am pregnant.  I know that.  BUT they were the only thing that really appealed to me.  Anyone whose been pregnant knows that sometimes you can only think of one thing that sounds good to eat.  Sometimes that one thing is artifically colored and greasy.  I PROMISE to eat a healthier lunch.

Confession # 2:  Liam dropped his cracker on the floor just now... and I picked it up and gave it back to him.  In my defense, the floor was mopped yesterday afternoon and just swept this morning.  Does the 5 second rule apply to babies? Don't call Child Protective Services.

Confession # 3:  I am soooo looking forward to 1:30 today.  It is Liam's naptime.  This may sound not so bad because any mom knows a whiney baby is rarely missed at his nap time.  The problem? He has been in an awesome mood all day and is the best kid ever almost every day... but I just want to watch TV and zone out. 

Confession # 4:  We don't brush Liam's teeth every day... not even every other day.  I feel badly because they say we are supposed to but it just seems excessive and unnecessary.  They get brushed maybe 2 times a week. 

Confession # 5:  I was going to to go to the park and walk today.  I really planned on it.  We were going to run to Target and then go to the  park.  When we left Target I just didn't feel like it.. didn't have a great reason... just didn't feel like it.  I drove right past the park and came on home.  Soooo, to recap -  I ate Cheetos for breakfast, didn't walk, and can't wait to zone out and watch TV.  I am basically a lazy fattie today.  Oh well.  There's always tomorrow I suppose.

That was FUN!  You guys try.  Don't leave me hanging here.  I can't be the only one with some confessions today.